saving you
by Silver Storm Dragon
Summary: She breaks down too...you can't be happy all the time... (implied masochism, very dark)


saving you  
  
by Silver Storm Dragon.   
  
Sometimes she cried.  
  
Sometimes she just sat.  
  
Sometimes she didn't seem to know what to do.  
  
It was torture to watch, you know. It must've been worse to be, but just watching like an audience member is awful. It's like those times when you're watching that favourite movie, but there's the tragedy, and you're screaming at the screen to run, run away and never look back, but they can't hear you. And your screams are being lost in a world of uncertainty, and your screams are melting everything around you, but they still won't listen, they still won't run.  
  
I'm not the kind of girl to do that. I am a mistress of control. But when I was younger, when I was sat watching films, before my demonic power was heralded, I would sit there with my adoptive parents and scream at the television screen.  
  
I want to do it again, but all around me will explode in black. Explode in black fire.  
  
Black fire.  
  
Funny choice of words. Because Blackfire caused a lot of it. That girl had a lot to answer for, and all of us-Robin especially-want her blood.  
  
Robin especially. Bless him. He doesn't even know he loves her. Rather adorable, really. As an observer and hater of all that is pink and fluffy, I notice these things unclouded by my own emotion.  
  
All is under glass with me. It has to be.   
  
Today she's curled up a ball, her eyes closed, and she's wearing an oversize jumper. The jumper was Cyborg's before he became mechanoid and lost need for such things. Robin is stood looking at her, watching her cry. She's in her room, and he's become a silent guardian angel over her bed.  
  
It's like time has stopped outside the tower. There's no crime now. It's almost like the world has seen the corruption of innocence, and has stopped its evil. The world outside is by no means joyful with flowers and cub-scouts helping elderly members of the community across the road-no, instead it is a grey place with drab people-nowhere people. Countless Elenor Rigbys trek the world. The pain of the world is no longer in short stabs that can be recovered from quickly, it is now the dull, monotanous ache that never seems to get better, but always seems to get worse.  
  
  
  
Sometimes, being a superhero is easy. Because the situation is mostly black and white. We're the good guys. They're the bad guys. We have to save the day by taking the victim away from the bad guy, or by catching them as they fall, or by pulling them away from danger.  
  
But it's not that simple now. We want to save her, Goddess knows we do. But we don't know how. We don't know if we can.  
  
Sometimes she screams at night. I'll run to her because my room is near, and because I can heal. I'll run to her, and I'll find her, holding a shard of her mirror and gazing at her reflection with her mouth twisted open, but no sound comes out. And she's always crying, her face is paler than my own, her eyes are sunken, and they no longer shine. Her hair is limp and matted, she is nothing of the beauty she once was. And I'll gently close her mouth, and she'll drop the mirror, and hold my hand. She'll look at me, and whisper "Please tell me that is not me." But I know she's not talking about her reflection. I once thought she was that shallow, once thought she would cry if she broke a nail, but there is more thant that. What she saw in the mirror must be horrendus, but I do not know what is it. Part of me always wants to ask her, but remembering would make it worse. And we can't let it get worse.  
  
  
  
And so I say to her, softly, gently. "It isn't you now. It's alright. It's time to sleep now." I'll guide her to her bed, tuck her in like a child, and if need be I dry her tears. It's become a habit for me to rest my head on her forehead, and I'll watch her thoughts. If I can, if I need to, I soothe her. I always need to. I very rarely can.  
  
Every time, Robin will be sat next to her window throughout, heavy with sleep. I can't see his eyes, but I know they're closed. This is the only time he sleeps. It's almost like I'm the only one who can hear her scream. Her mouth is always silent, perhaps she doesn't scream at all, perhaps because of my time within her body I can percieve more about her and she can percieve more about me. Could. No...Can, and Will Again.  
  
  
  
Maybe she and I have a link together. Not just because of that time, but because of the fact that we're both girls, but because we've both got strong emotions. We're ying and yang-I the dark with light, she the light with dark. Or that was how it was once.   
  
One thing none of us will forgive ourselves for is because we weren't there to help her. And none of us know what it was exactly-the only ones who know are Blackfire, Starfire and someone Star will only refer to as Him. Sometimes she'll tell things to Robin, sometimes her screams are to keep Him away from her, or maybe to keep her away from Him. I can't tell right now. What I've seen in her mind is a battle with her in chains one moment, and then suddenly she's laughing evilly and commanding troops to kill, kill, without mercy.. It's then that I am afraid of her.   
  
It's been two monthes almost to the day since we returned home to find her clutching shards of a broken mirror with dark blood covering her hands and arms. She was looking into the mirror with tears of blood flowing from her eyes like a river-I can still see the cuts just beneath her eyes. I won't believe that she meant to cut herself that day, but that she saw what happened in a mirror and had to destroy. I've been there. I've done that. I believe that she used some small glass to trace her eyes, hence the tears of blood, but I think she only did it try to remove a reminder. Maybe she wanted to gouge her eyes out but couldn't. Maybe she wanted to cut her face so she wouldn't recognise the person in the mirror and wouldn't have to remember.  
  
  
  
We acted quickly. Robin was at her side, holding her and gently removing the looking glass from her hands. He was replacing her arm guards and locking them in tight-I knew what he was afraid of. I've very rarely seen him in fear, but I saw it that night and seen it every day since. I was kneeling in front of her, hovering to avoid the sharp, stained reflections. I surrounded her with the healing light, and she cried salted tears that mingled with the blood. I noticed that Robin was crying too, and didn't know that I was until I felt Beast Boy's hand on my shoulder. Cyborg was already there with a blanket which he covered her with. Beast Boy was crying too, and I held him. He didn't understand why she would do that to herself, and I pretended that I knew to try to comfort him. I thought I knew. Robin carried her to her room, refusing help. Cyborg followed, holding a medical kit. He needed to examine her, and he did. She was numb, clinging onto Robin as if he were a lifeboat, which in a way I suppose he was. Beast Boy and I joined the room, I healing every cut Cyborg found, and Beast Boy using heightened senses to find areas of hurt. When we had done all we could, she slept. All left but Robin and I.  
  
"We need to remove anything sharp from this room." I said softly.  
  
He nodded, and we scoured the room. I knew he smiled when he came across classically Star things, like a mustard jar, a stuffed creature from outer space, and a small tub of mint frosting. I know I wanted to cry when I found all the photographs, and when I found her notebook with things like "Frosting=not a meal!" written in her neat script.   
  
Cyborg came in and wordlessly joined our search. It struck me that maybe all of us had been here. Beast Boy finally entered as our search drew to a close, and said softly. "We need to talk about this, don't we?"  
  
We sat in a circle, the four of us. Robin stood almost immidiately after sitting down, and paced. "I should've gone with her to Tamarran. I should never have let her go alone. Something must've happened on her way there or back...or there....Oh, God, who would know?"  
  
Cyborg looked up. "Blackfire. She was the one Star went to see."  
  
Beast Boy was crying quietly, and I hugged him. "I'm scared." He whispered.  
  
"So am I." I said softly, and black clouded a lot of things like a blanket. When I'm truly scared, I don't blow up things, I just surround everything in black as a protection measure. No one but me knew it, but there was a tight quilt of black spun around Starfire at that moment, and there always will be until she gets better, if she gets better...no, no, when she gets better.  
  
Blackfire's face was on the television screen, and Robin was stood in front of it. She was smirking. "Robin! This is a pleasent surprise. Star was right, you have got more attractive."  
  
"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO STAR? WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER? TELL ME! NOW!"  
  
Stronger men were known to drop to their knees and beg when Robin lost his temper, but this girl merely flicked her hair. "Revenge. I didn't do a thing, but a friend of mine did. He's very...passionate. Last time I saw Star she was uncouncious and in a small ship headed for Earth. I guessed she would do better to die there."  
  
Robin got even more angry, and I held tighter to Beast Boy, and felt Cyborg holding us both. I smiled a faint thank you as his metallic arms provided a barriar between the anger over there and us.   
  
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, DIE? I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, HOW DARE YOU DO THAT TO STAR!"  
  
She was laughing as the screen exploded in black fury. My fear was overcome by my anger, and Robin looked at me. "Sorry." I whispered.  
  
He punched and kicked the screen, taking out his anger. I wanted to join him, but refused to let myself. Beast Boy escaped from my arms, and he touched Robin's shoulder. "Dude...You'll hurt yourself..."  
  
Robin shook himself away from Beast Boy. "Maybe I want to."  
  
Ice has run through my veins ever since that day. We stopped Robin from hurting himself, we've each stopped each other. We save each other, from ourselves. We don't know what we can do about Star, but we will do somthing for her. Every day I get another piece of the puzzle that tells me what turned our Starfire into the piteous wreck that she has become. All of us would give our lives to save her. I never thought I would, but she's more than just the fifth member, more than just the alien girl, more than just the apparent love of Robin...  
  
I've heard tell of something that happened on Tamarran. I've heard that a while ago there was an attack-about 2 monthes ago. The attack was by the notorious criminal Blackfire and a Lord Darkflare, a man believed to be intent on making Blackfire his Lady. I heard that at the beginning of the attack, they had a young girl with a noose around her neck whom they forced to destroy countless cities. I heard that the girl was posessed, and killed...  
  
But even knowing the cause doesn't help. The memory will still haunt her, and she'll regret all her life. There's a danger that she will get reposessed...Or that she was never posessed in the first place and was simply powerless to resist. If that's the case, she could never be a Teen Titan. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.   
  
A/N: When I first wrote this, it was just a fic. But I think I started using my own feelings too much, and I was going too deep. I was writing it for the wrong reasons. So in a way I'm sorry, but in a way I think this is a voice that must heard. This is really a lot darker than anything I've uploaded before. I was listening to I Want To Save You by Something Corporate (ach, I love it) and had read something by Abigail Nicole about Starfire becoming something evil named Darkstar. It's great, you should read it. But I thought, no, Starfire wouldn't get violent...And I started to wonder how she would react to crisis as it were. It started out OK, but then I went deeper. It's written from Raven, obviously, and I love her-but when you're writing as her, it's difficult not to fall into the darkness there is, and I fear I've done that-I fear I did that all to easily. In some twisted way, I enjoy writing as Raven-but if I'm write this kind of fic it's probably best if I do third person.  
  
This may appear not to have an ending, but it does. It's just unfinished. I might return to this one day, but I don't know if I want to finish it. I don't know how I'd finish it.  
  
Maybe if I ever come back to this, I'll feel happier and have more faith in...well, everything really. Right now I don't know enough to save her. I want to save her-but like the Titans, I don't know how.  
  
Take care of yourselves,  
  
~Sylvi  
  
PS; I don't own any of the characters apart from Him/Darkflare 


End file.
